Satire: Where Did All My Hair Ties Go?

A hair tie is always necessary yet simultaneously impossible to find. These small elastics, essentials for anyone with long hair, can be easily lost during everyday activities.

Whether they serve as a fun accessory on a wrist, a fidget toy during a block math period, or a way to tie up a simple ponytail, hair ties are constantly needed. Still, no matter how organized you are, statistics guarantee that you have lost a hair tie at least once in your life. Once the elastic is out of your hands, there’s a very small likelihood you’ll be able to find it. If you’re in pursuit of finding it, here are eight places your hair tie might be:

Your Pockets

This is one that many owners may know already. When the red indent on your wrist from a too-tight hair tie becomes more than you can bear, the pocket is an easy solution. But after a long day at school, it can be easy to forget a neglected elastic band nestled in your right jean or hoodie pocket. And of course, there is always the danger of exposing it to the unknown floor if a pocket is too loose or not zipped up all the way. An easy solution is to empty out your pockets on a daily basis.

Your floor

This no man’s land is both a hair tie’s biggest aspiration and biggest nightmare. As its owner, you have the responsibility of keeping it away from this world of no return. Once it hits a crowded hallway or filthy parking lot concrete, the likelihood of finding your hair tie as it was before is slim. It will never be the same. All you can do is hope that another person without the accessory was able to adopt it, clean it, and cherish it like you never could. However, if you really put the time into it it is easy to find!

Your bathroom

This spot has several possibilities from the mirror, shower, to the floor. Oftentimes, hair ties find some company here. Washing your hair in the shower means that you need to take out your hair tie, and when that happens, hair ties can easily accumulate on the drain or bath mat. It is easier to find here because it is a limited space, unless it gets in the drain, then you may have to take a trip to the sewers.

Your backpack

Whether you fall victim to a backpack’s inviting side pockets or to the many compartments a North Face backpack  has, this trap luckily has good life insurance. When you empty out your backpack, the hair tie comes along with it, along with last month’s overdue assignment or stray pencils. However, if you don’t fully clean out your backpack, the hair tie can easily hide beneath a leftover piece of paper or a binder. This hiding spot relies on a messy person, so as long as you empty out your backpack regularly it can be found!

Your trash

It is very easy for a hair tie to slip off your wrist or be carelessly thrown into the trash. Once mixed with leftovers and paper scraps, it becomes impossible to rediscover. The hair tie is then displaced to the garbage truck, where its once strong elasticity will wither away and will eventually be snapped into multiple pieces, never to be seen again. Don’t fret though. If the hair tie has sentimental value, whether it be one you’ve had since childhood or one that brought you through a troubled time, there isn’t any shame in dumpster diving!

Your wrist 

You may laugh when you read this, but your hair tie has a high probability of sitting on your wrist. Under an oversized hoodie, it can easily become submerged and forgotten, not getting air for weeks at a time. It is also important to remember that the wrist is an easy place for a hair tie to stay temporarily, but that was not its full purpose. Like a first love, once it leaves its mark, it makes you forget there was ever a time without it. Out of all the possibilities, this is the most easy to find, but the most difficult to take off due to its deep, red indent.

Your food 

Have you had a soupy meal lately? If your hair tie is a subtle beige or brown, it is easy to mix in with pasta or soup. In addition, it blends in with a loaf of bread and can even find its way into a half-eaten granola bar, matching its tan complex. If your pasta is particularly crunchy, an elastic can easily slip in between a steaming fettuccine alfredo. You probably won’t know you lost it, but it will easily be found when your teeth find a super undercooked linguine. 

Your ceiling

This is the most fun find. In its most childish form, a hair tie is a fidget toy. Slingshotting it like a rubber band or flicking it between your fingers are both very tempting during a boring lecture. If the owner of the hair tie isn’t experienced with fidgeting, it is easy to flick the elastic out of reach. However, if the owner is experienced then it can easily be a weapon, but one to use at your own risk. If you flick it a tad too hard, the target can keep the hair tie forever. Where to find it from the ceiling? Tap into your childhood tendencies and jump from your bed or couch.

June is a junior in her first year of journalism. In addition to covering a variety of sports, she enjoys bringing attention to the experiences of student athletes in her article featuring the hassle of college athletics with social media.

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