Now that M-A Chronicle Editor-in-Chief Dylan Lanier’s article is leading the public conversation about the merit of high school relationships, I figured somebody ought to challenge his views.
There is nobody I have talked to about love and relationships more than Dylan Lanier. Dylan and I gossip about our recent first dates and how they went wrong—for me, a guy attempting to woo me by freestyle rapping, and for him, a very strange first kiss involving tomato soup. First kisses, and any kisses, should never involve tomato soup…
Of course, we live for each other’s dramas and adventures, but we also frequently discuss love and its role in our lives. What would two freshly eighteen-year-olds know about love? You heard Dylan’s take—here is mine.
Although Dylan acknowledged the merits of high school love, his overall consensus was that high school relationships are not worth it and our time is better invested elsewhere.
For me, Dylan’s article proves exactly why the first love experience is important. The reasons that Dylan said high school relationships are not worth it are the exact reasons first relationships are so incredibly formative: you learn so much about yourself from them.
We come into our first relationships like baby birds thrown from the nest, with only cheesy love songs and cliched rom-com scenes of someone holding a boombox outside of a window to guide us. Maybe an older sister if we are truly lucky.
This novelty of figuring it all out and trying to navigate a romantic relationship is what gives it its importance in our lives. We don’t know what to do, how much to share, how to set boundaries, and how to settle disagreements without sacrificing either our pride or the relationship. First relationships force us to confront our vulnerabilities, discover our emotional shortcomings, and challenge us to step outside of what we know. We identify our attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure), learn how to communicate, and figure out how to disagree without sacrificing the relationship or our values. These are essential skills that need to be worked on throughout our lives and benefit all of our relationships, whether romantic or not. Our first relationship is normally our first love, and our first loves are our prototypes for this new type of human connection. We need to experience it in all its intensity and dramatics—maybe even watch it crash and burn—to learn from it.
More than anything, I view first relationships as tools to get to know yourself. The butterflies and linked sweaty palms are fun, but to me, the main purpose of a first relationship is to explore who you are in the context of a romantic relationship.
When I look back at my first relationship, I realize that it shaped me as a person. Although this relationship ended, the lasting effects of that relationship linger—I continue to be the person that the relationship, and their love, allowed me to grow into. I know how I deserve to be loved and no longer settle for less than the high standards that were set. I know what I contribute to a relationship as well as what I need to work on improving. The person that I grew into stuck around past the actual relationship.
When I look back at my first relationship, I realize that it shaped me as a person. Although this relationship ended, the lasting effects of that relationship linger—I continue to be the person that the relationship, and their love, allowed me to grow into.
So yes, I agree with Dylan that our schedules may feel jumbled, and maybe looking back we should have prioritized our sleep instead of falling asleep on FaceTime. But learning how to balance this is all part of the learning curve of a first love. And this learning curve will have to happen eventually, so why not get ahead of it?
In his relationships, Dylan describes feeling a loss of independence, saying that he lost track of his priorities, “sometimes it seemed like the person I was dating was the most important part of my life.” Dylan complains of struggling to manage school, friends, extracurriculars, and a romantic relationship.
While this is undoubtedly stressful, I see someone learning how to balance the busyness of life and how to be in a relationship without sacrificing too much independence. This trial-and-error, the chaos of navigating this new part of life, is exactly why first love is needed.
Dylan argued that high school relationships are often formed because of societal idolization of romance instead of compatibility. I agree that occasionally people are more concerned with their relationship status as opposed to actually wanting to be in a relationship with a specific person. I will raise my hand bravely and admit that I did this a couple of years ago. I wanted to prove to myself that I could be in a genuine, real-life, official relationship. I struck up a conversation with someone I had a casual crush on, we had a couple of conversations, and we made it official by the end of the week—even before our first date.
While this is undoubtedly stressful, I see someone learning how to balance the busyness of life and how to be in a relationship without sacrificing too much independence. This trial-and-error, the chaos of navigating this new part of life, is exactly why first love is needed.
I hadn’t given our compatibility much thought. I look back and realize I was more attracted to the idea of having a boyfriend than the reality of a relationship with him. This led me to examine my priorities and insecurities. In this case, I learned that I had to work on being content with being alone instead of trying to throw myself into a relationship.
At the end of the day, I’m neither dating to marry nor dating to break up. I’m dating to enjoy being with someone for as long as we feel like we enjoy being with each other, whether that be for a couple of weeks or maybe even the rest of my life. Of course, there is always the risk of being hurt. But I, for one, would rather love and be loved, even if it ends with me in tears, than to never have experienced it at all.
Although first relationships don’t have to happen in high school, we shouldn’t immediately reject them. It’s beneficial to have this new experience (and the potentially painful breakup) while you have the comforts of home and your support system rather than jumping into everything new in college with so many new things to learn and juggle. If you find yourself wanting to have that first high school relationship, put yourself out there! You might as well give it a shot than never know what joy could have come out of it! Stay open. So, strike up a conversation with your desk partner, ask the guy in your English class to do homework together, and be bold! Open yourself up to the wonders of teen romance!
