This spring, M-A has been taken over by a group of intrusive guests: fuzzy caterpillars. While these uninvited visitors cause fear, disgust, and annoyance for many students, an M-A Chronicle investigation has revealed that deep down, they just want friends.
When interviewed, many caterpillars shared stories of their failed attempts to foster friendships with students. “When I spotted my first victim, I tried striking up a conversation, but he refused to listen. He screamed in my face and tried to crush me. Like, what did I even do to you?” community caterpillar Cathy Pillar said.
“I was just hanging around these victims, but the moment I tried to add to the convo, they immediately kicked me out and even broke one of my legs,” another said. “I don’t think they like me very much.”
When asked why they refer to people as “victims,” the caterpillars refused to elaborate.
These caterpillars have attempted many methods when trying to talk to students. Besides dropping out of trees onto people’s heads, as well as daily lunch table confrontations, some caterpillars tried much more ambitious methods. Last Saturday, Shlig Grubbs, a well-known community caterpillar, was brutally squashed after following a student home and showing up under their pillow.
“It was his fault. Even the dumbest caterpillars know not to intrude on people’s personal space,” Grubbs’ mother said—a little hypocritical considering her tendency to drop onto people from above.
Two weeks ago, journalists from the M-A Chronicle attempted to advise the caterpillars on making friends. They hosted a Flextime presentation to detail the nuances of human culture and friend-making, remaining sensitive and welcoming to the caterpillars who were only trying to learn. Journalists also agreed to encourage students to be more open-minded.
However, since then, the problem has only worsened. The caterpillars quickly lost hope in pacifist, time-wasting norms and only refined their pre-existing approach to be more persistent. Some even started a resistance movement against the M-A Chronicle. “Their advice was stupid,” Gribbs Shlog, a proud member of the movement, said. When asked if they had even tried the M-A Chronicle’s advice, Shlog claimed he had the right to remain silent.
Since the start of spring, these caterpillars have turned over a new leaf, sending their attempts at friend-making behavior to an all-time high. Despite their stuck-up attitude, they hope to make the M-A campus a much happier and friendlier place.
