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Satire: M-A Teen Comes Out As Republican

2 mins read

Shocking family members in his Menlo Park home, Grant Jefferson, an M-A senior, decided it was time to come out and reveal to the world his true self. At Sunday dinner, he told them that he planned to register as a Republican when he becomes eligible to vote later this month.

“I was raised in a very liberal, Democratic household,” said Jefferson. “My parents voted for Obama in 2008 and 2012, and every time the name Bush is mentioned, my parents either joke about his intelligence or complain about how the 2000 election was rigged. They also like to wear those five-toed shoes.”

Jefferson had a feeling that his parents wouldn’t take it well. After all, they had just donated several thousand dollars to Clinton’s 2016 campaign, and even invested in “I’m for Hillary” and “Dump the Trump” bumper stickers. “I understand that this must be difficult for you, Mom, knowing that your son supports the Constitutional right to own a firearm,” said Grant. “And Dad, I’m sorry, but I disagree with you that the federal government should regulate what is taught in schools. I believe that it is an issue that belongs to the states to decide.”


Scott and Pam Jefferson, Grant’s parents, stated that they had some suspicions when Grant left Marco Rubio’s campaign website open on the family computer, and on several occasions heard him mutter “We should Make America Great Again.” However, they concluded that their son was probably just experimenting and would soon sort himself out. “To actually hear him say it– the R-word,” said Pam, stifling tears, “I don’t know if I can live in a household with someone who thinks that we should increase the size of our nation’s military and decrease corporate tax rates. Why couldn’t he just be gay like my pilates instructor? He’s so fashionable!”

“It makes me really upset,” said Scott, visibly shaking. “I thought that we had taught him liberal values. You know, freedom of speech, the right to own a Prius, accepting the government as an infallible panacea to all of our country’s problems. And most of all, to have tolerance of other people and other ideas. I still love him – he’s my son for God’s sake – but he’s just plain wrong! He’s subscribing to a hateful ideology which any sane, intelligent person would immediately dismiss as ludicrous and bigoted.”

Jennifer, Grant’s younger sister, commented on the situation while rolling her eyes excessively. “It’s like, so uncool to be a conservative. I just don’t see how anyone wouldn’t like want Bernie Sanders to become president. Like, who doesn’t want free healthcare and college? Oh yeah, and legalized weed? OMG, Grant is like such a loser.”

Grant has stated that his supportive group of friends has helped him through these trying times. “They’ve really been great. Unlike a lot a people I know, at school, at home, and everywhere I go, they like me for who I am as a person and as a friend, not for my political beliefs. I think that everyone could learn something from that.”

I’m excited to be joining the M-A Chronicle team in my senior year! Writing is a particular passion of mine, so I’m thrilled to be able to improve upon my skills in composition while enjoying the opportunity to inform my community and voice my opinion. I’m looking forward to covering politics, local news, and opinion pieces, as well as developing video segments for the newspaper.

In my spare time, I am an active member of the robotics club and a volunteer at the Stanford Blood Center. I also have an unhealthy love for TV shows and video games!

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