After a breakup, there tends to be an immediate expectation that we should transform ourselves—physically, emotionally, and socially. It’s as if this new and dramatic makeover will erase the pain of the breakup.
It’s hard to resist falling into the ‘glow-up’ trap, especially when social media and pop culture constantly spotlight influencers who turn breakups into brand-new looks and brand deals. Whether it’s a fresh haircut, a fake tan, or recently manicured nails, these changes become a symbol of true personal growth.
But healing doesn’t have to mean transforming into a different, more polished version of yourself. It can simply mean remembering to appreciate what you already have.
The idea of the stereotypical post-breakup glow-up often revolves around a dramatic physical transformation that signals emotional recovery. In movies and TV shows, the vengeant glow-up is hard to miss: Bianca in The DUFF, and Zack Siler’s transformation of Laney Boggs in She’s All That (she took off her glasses!). These transformations are presented as the ultimate sign of triumph after hardship.
“In movies like The Princess Diaries, Anne Hathaway looked the same person—they just straightened her hair and removed her glasses—suddenly she was beautiful, this message is really damaging,” Annabelle Ross, research fellow at the National Institute of Health, said.
The message the media sends is clear: after a breakup, it’s time to become someone “better.” The physical transformation is a telltale sign of emotional recovery. A new haircut, better diet, or gym routine is visual proof you’re no longer stuck in the past. Because of the way glow-up culture is viewed, these external changes are signs that you’ve taken control of your life again.
For most, the emotional fallout is the hardest part. So while a physical transformation might provide a temporary sense of control, it doesn’t necessarily address the emotional scars left by a breakup.
People often turn to glow-ups after a breakup because they offer a sense of control and empowerment. When emotions feel uncontrollable, and the breakup is beyond their control, changing their appearance becomes a way to regain some power over their own life.
“It’s hard not to want to glow up in some way because your partner was where you were getting your validation from. Now that you don’t have them, you look for that elsewhere,” an anonymous sophomore said.
“It’s hard not to want to glow up in some way because your partner was where you were getting your validation from. Now that you don’t have them, you look for that elsewhere,”
an anonymous sophomore
The rise of social media exacerbates this pressure even further. Influencers and celebrities make it seem like healing must be a public spectacle, leading many to feel inadequate if they don’t follow suit. “Influencers are creating a culture where constant consumption and changing yourself is the norm—and that’s not a healthy mindset,” Ross said. “When we constantly compare our healing journey to the highlight reels of others online, we risk losing sight of our own path.”
“Social media makes having a major glow up such a normal thing, like if you don’t want to glow up, you don’t even care about the breakup,” the anonymous sophomore said.
“Not everyone can afford the kind of major lifestyle changes shown in movies or by influencers—like a new wardrobe, buying a car, or moving across the country,” Ross said. The disparity between the glow-up ideal and the reality for many people who cannot afford or access these dramatic shifts leaves some people feeling stuck.
“Trying to fix your feelings through a visible change is like putting a Band-Aid on a bullet hole—it doesn’t address the actual emotional healing,” Ross said. “Even if you look different on the outside, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll feel at peace on the inside.”
“Most guys will start hitting the gym more, some will pretend like they don’t care to act like they are getting better, but they’re not,” junior Wyatt Wetzel said.
Real emotional growth happens slowly over time and doesn’t require dramatic external change. “You shouldn’t feel pressured to tie your worth or your progress to how you look at a specific moment in your life,” Ross said.
Embracing a slower, more internal healing process is not only valid, but it’s also often what most people experience. “Some people distract themselves, and others process emotions directly. It’s a very individualized process,” she said. “Journaling, walking, spending time with friends and family, or engaging in simple self-care rituals—these are all part of an internal healing journey that doesn’t require a physical transformation.”
And for young people, the pressure to undergo a dramatic transformation can be even more intense. “Social pressure can push young people to make big changes even when they’re not emotionally ready,” Ross said. The media’s portrayal of healing as a visible, physical change can make people feel like they’re falling short if they don’t match that ideal, and can be especially dangerous for kids who don’t know how to handle the consequences when things fall apart.
For a healthier shift in our collective mindset, we need to embrace a more realistic vision of healing. The constant stream of social media influencers, celebrities, and actors undergoing dramatic transformations after a breakup only fuels the idea that unless you become the next top model, you’re still stuck in sadness.
It’s also important that we don’t prioritize and take to heart external pressure that we need to change what our own individual vision of healing looks like.
“More fictional characters—and real people online—need to show realistic healing like going for a run, making dinner, or reading a book after a breakup,” Ross said. This more grounded portrayal of emotional recovery allows us to see that healing doesn’t always have to come with a physical transformation.
It’s important we recognize that it’s not glowing up, it’s healing, and it’s not a linear process, and it looks different for everyone. “Your healing journey is not going to look like theirs. If you edited your own journey, it would probably look just as perfect,” Ross said.
We don’t need a dramatic makeover to prove our worth or progress, true healing is an internal process that, when embraced slowly and authentically, leads to lasting growth.
