Yearning has become an aesthetic. Everyone loves a story where, after years of waiting, the guy finally gets the girl. However, the romanticization of longing teaches people that patience and self-sacrifice are proof of love, when in reality, the wait isn’t romantic—it’s torture.
Yearning has evolved into a feeling people want to experience—waiting for someone, no matter how long it takes. But the truth is, yearning is the bitter aftertaste left when love isn’t found, a quiet kind of suffering we often mistake for devotion or love. We need to stop glorifying the pain of longing for someone, and instead, we should learn to heal, move forward, and stop wasting time on someone who is not interested.
This romanticization is largely amplified through popular media. On apps like TikTok, users edit scenes from movies or TV shows that feature intense desire, which frequently go viral, further popularizing the idea. Thousands of videos with captions such as “bring back yearning” or the repeated use of songs like Jeff Buckley’s “Lover You Should Come Over” glorify the idea of yearning for others. Once people engage with these videos, the TikTok algorithm feeds them more of the same content, reinforcing this romanticization. But yearning shouldn’t be normalized, because conveying it as something beautiful or admirable only makes the ache feel acceptable.
To better understand where yearning stems from, it is necessary to examine the psychological reasons behind the desire for human communication. Psychologist Phillip Shaver is best known for his research on social relationships and attachment theory, which examines infants’ innate desire to bond with a protective caregiver. “That need never disappears. As we get older, we get our sense of safety and security from family, friends, mentors, and—very important—romantic partners,” he said.
“Yearning might be a phase that contributes to finding a relationship partner. Whether this is good or bad depends on whether the partner is secure and supportive,” Shaver added. “It has a kind of bittersweet quality because the separation and unattainability are painful, but the intense attraction can be pleasant.”
Laurie and Jo’s relationship in Greta Gerwig’s movie adaptation of Little Women is a prime example. Though their bond begins as a childhood friendship, Laurie gradually develops a romantic desire for Jo. Though once he finally expresses his love for her, she doesn’t feel the same. “I gave up billiards, I gave up everything you didn’t like, I’m happy I did it’s fine and I waited and I never complained because I, you know, I figured you’d love me, Jo,” Laurie confesses.
Little Women shows how yearning leads to harm rather than romance. Laurie revolves his whole life around pleasing Jo, even though she is completely unaware of his feelings. He craves her attention but still doesn’t take any action, and instead, silently suffers and diminishes himself, only to find his devotion goes unnoticed and unreturned.
In some cases, yearning involves seeking approval from someone who, in the end, might never feel the same. “You can long or yearn for someone too much, and it starts to become unhealthy and idealistic,” junior Avery Williams said. The need for connection can turn yearning into an intensifying passion to detrimental extremes.
This self-destructive form of longing is also prominent in season two of Bridgerton. Anthony Bridgerton, who is highly ambitious, adopts a strict demeanor as he carries the family’s burdens. Soon after meeting Kate Sharma, a strong-willed and intelligent woman, he finds himself hopelessly drawn to her—despite being engaged to Kate’s younger sister, Edwina—composing the perfect forbidden-love arc. Anthony declares that he will always think of Kate, no matter how far apart they are. “Do you think that there is a corner of this earth that you could travel to, far away enough to free me from this torment?” Anthony proclaims.
The audience becomes captivated by this pitiful romance. Yes, it is alluring, but the obsession with their love triangle— which is unrealistic— distracts viewers from the heartache and delusion. Gradually, when yearning, people begin to lose themselves, forgetting what truly matters: their own well-being.
As longing intensifies, it can cause people to degrade themselves and distort their perception of another person, even if the reality is different. “I think you kind of create an idealized version of the person that you like in your head, and start to ignore all the bad things that they might be trying to show you,” Williams said.
“Being attracted to someone and developing a crush on them is natural. This is how relationships usually begin. The positive part is the attraction; the associated negative part is the worry that the attractive person doesn’t feel the same way,” Shaver explained.
The pain and anxiety within love or a crush are inherent, but the version we create for someone and the way we crave that fantasy is not. The intense attraction convinces people that yearning is love, but in reality, it’s only desperation. Over time, connection and desire through communication, shared joy, and hardships are what develop sincere love.
Life moves quickly and connection is fleeting. If we want something real—some kind of love that lasts—then we have to learn to take action on relationships that are attainable, not simply glorifying someone who’s unreachable. The more you wait, the more you overthink and hold yourself back. “Just let it happen. Stop pondering on it. Stop thinking of all those hypotheticals because you will likely end up disappointing yourself with the reality of just human relationships, because they’re not your fantasies,” senior Viet-Tran Do said.
“If you keep reflecting on what’s happened in the past, and longing for someone, I don’t think that’ll get you anywhere. So I think you just have to accept it and just let it go,” junior Trgz Labson said.
The tragedy and pathetic nature derived from waiting are shown in Emerald Fennell’s movie interpretation, Wuthering Heights. Near the end, the story’s main love interest, Heathcliff, marries a side character, not out of love, but to provoke the woman he’s truly in love with: Catherine. Instead of reacting with jealousy, Catherine spirals into a deep depression, unaware that Heathcliff still longs for her. Desperate, he executes the infamous love-letter cliché, also shown in The Notebook. “I’ll wait for you every day and every night / Why do you not respond?” Healthcliff writes. But Nelly, a close companion to Catherine, destroys the letters, keeping them apart.
This situation is tragic—but the pathetic part is that they live only four miles apart. The audience aches to intervene, but in the end, it’s too late. Catherine dies first of heartbreak, then illness, and Heathcliff is left not with satisfaction, but with the unbearable weight of what could have been.
“When you love someone, there’s always the intent of action, with yearning it’s just sort of a hobby for a lot of people,” Do added.
Popular media glorifies pining—waiting years for someone as proof of devotion. But longing actually decreases one’s chance of winning someone over. It’s endearing in movies when the story fades to credits after two hours, but in reality, there are no closing scenes, and you can’t wait on someone forever. “A healthy person allows [themself] to feel the loss without suppressing it but also without being completely lost in it,” Shaver said. People move on and live their lives, and obsessing from the sidelines doesn’t convenience anyone.
Yearning is only favorable when it is reciprocated on both sides, with love having already been formed and balanced. “[When people] love each other equally in each other’s absence, it can be very healthy, and it does show a level of true love or unconditional love. But I think also, when it becomes unbalanced or unequal, it does kind of turn into delusion,” Williams said.
“Yearning might be useful in calling attention to one’s deep need for a secure connection. But no matter its benefits, the underlying pain is still there. The positive aspects of attachment are acknowledged, while the negative aspects of not having the desired partner are very painful,” Shaver concluded.
Love isn’t supposed to be desperate. It isn’t supposed to require transforming yourself in hopes of pleasing another, and it isn’t a waiting game for someone or something that isn’t yours to begin with. Sorrow and heartache are inevitable occurrences in love, but yearning encourages this pain to a torturous extent. A torture people falsely believe is love.
