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Satire: Greetings from Alfalpha University!

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Dear Potential Applicant,

Greetings from the admissions office at Alfalpha University! We hope that you consider our institution during your search for the right college. At Alfalpha, you’ll be surrounded by a beautiful campus, world-renowned professors, and most of all, eager students like yourself that have come from a variety of diverse backgrounds.

Here are some students from the Class of 2019:

Jacob, a young inventor from Gary, Indiana who created the one-sided die.

Miguel from San Diego, California, the first person to orbit Earth without a spacesuit

Adewole, a Nigerian sheep herder who discovered electricity, and became the first in his village to play Hotline Bling by Drake.

Farid, a stone skipping enthusiast from Saskatchewan, Canada who broke the speed of sound with a 25mm pebble.

Nancy from Los Angeles, California who gained a passion for wilderness survival after getting lost in the jungle for 30 days.

Mac from Richmond, Virginia, the first person under 18 to circumnavigate the Earth with only a rowboat, a watermelon, and three sticks of butter.

Madan, a Nepalese sherpa who combined her love for climbing and jet propulsion to become the first transgender woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest by rocket.

Deshawn from Birmingham, Alabama, who created a sonic relay system to put an end to the argument “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” Yes, yes it does.

Joel from Ohio, who has memorized all three directions to make Kraft Mac and Cheese.

James from Edinburgh, Scotland, who infiltrated al-Qaeda and stopped a terrorist attack in Lisbon with a toothpick and 2 sticks of gum.

Helen from Troy, New York, who determined that it was, in fact, the chicken that came first.

Sarah from Brooklyn, New York, who made a pig fly and lowered the average temperature of hell to 28 degrees Fahrenheit.

We hope that you can tell us your story in your application to Alfalpha University. We look forward to hearing about your achievements, which undoubtedly match those of our featured students.

Lewis Hopkins
Dean of Undergraduate Admissions
Alfalpha University

I’m excited to be joining the M-A Chronicle team in my senior year! Writing is a particular passion of mine, so I’m thrilled to be able to improve upon my skills in composition while enjoying the opportunity to inform my community and voice my opinion. I’m looking forward to covering politics, local news, and opinion pieces, as well as developing video segments for the newspaper.

In my spare time, I am an active member of the robotics club and a volunteer at the Stanford Blood Center. I also have an unhealthy love for TV shows and video games!

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