Those who do are revered. Perhaps feared. They float through Pride Hall, awestruck freshman scuttling out of the way. Heads turn, jaws drop, knees buckle. Their allure comes from the light spring in their step, their fresh-flushed face, a post-poop glow. Those who dare to crap on campus, who defiantly defecate: Who are these gods? They walk among us, and yet they are hidden.
Astoundingly, almost half of M-A’s student body has dared to dump. Based on 132 responses on an Instagram poll, 47% of M-A students reported having pooped in school bathrooms during school hours, at least once. The data has tremendous implications: M-A poopers are everywhere. Here are some of their stories…
Junior Janiya Moss, a known pooper, explained, “I take a dump in the bathroom at school because I don’t really care. If I have to go, I’m going to go. And if you hear it, then you hear it. I’m a human being. And it may smell but it’s okay.”
Senior Chloe Pilette was forced into becoming a school pooper. Pilette is on the cross-country and track teams, and said, “You just have to get a poop in before the run. You have to.” She chalks it up to M-A coaches and their “pro-poop” atmosphere.
Junior Cameron Leung, who is on the M-A soccer team, relates, “I poop right before practice. My favorite bathroom is definitely the one next to the track. The vibe is just chill, it’s clean. I’m familiar with it.” Like many poopers, Leung needs a sense of security in his preferred poop spot.
Sophomore Alexander Leonardo identifies as a once-a-month-pooper. Leonardo explained, “It’s usually in the middle [of the month], like March 11. April 11. June 11. Always 11.”
According to numerology, “The number 11 is at one with the universe. It is open to vast spiritual concepts and the presence of a greater power. It is a channel for truth and answers to reach us.” Perhaps on “11 days,” Leonardo is especially predisposed to truth and greater power. The causal chain is clear: pooping at M-A is a surefire way to become one with the universe. Leonardo is most open to vast spiritual concepts when pooping in his preferred K-Wing bathroom (see map). He explained, “It’s the biggest one. You’re in the corner, you’re by yourself. Peace.”
On the other side of this polarizing debate, an anonymous sophomore explained her anti-school-pooping stance. She said, “I don’t like to leave class for that long and I don’t want to sit on the school toilet. I think it’s nasty and is not the vibe.” This seems to be a widespread problem. In fact, The School Toilet Report, a survey by Domestos, found that 86% of children in India, Poland, South Africa, and the UK reported cleanliness as an issue for school toilets.
The anonymous sophomore scorned school-poopers, saying, “It’s your decision, but I don’t respect that.”
An anonymous senior reported that she generally chooses not to poop at school. She stated, “I don’t like the M-A bathrooms and no one wants to hear the splash.” For those who may be unfamiliar with the term, “splash” alludes to the sound of feces falling into toilet water, a transcendentally beautiful noise that differentiates poopers and non-poopers.
But the unnamed senior still supports poopers. She said, “Honestly, go for it. I wish I was as brave as you.”
Like many interviewees, she declined to publicly release her name in conjunction with her anti-poop politics. It spoke to a pervasive issue across M-A’s campus: both anti-poopers and pro-poopers were afraid to speak publicly about their beliefs on this sensitive and controversial subject.
But others are unafraid to bash those who poop. Senior Gubby Naranyan said, “I have never in my entire life pooped at school.” To deuce droppers, Naranyan had one threatening message: “I hope someone reaches over the stall and peeps you while you’re pooping.”
Chemistry teacher Matthew Sandora sheepishly explained, “I have probably pooped [at M-A] once or twice in ten years.” Of course, Sandora has access to the elitist, glittering faculty bathrooms, so his experience differs. To student poopers, Sandora said, “It’s rough out there in those bathrooms. Be brave.”
For cowardly or beginner poopers, Leung had some advice. “One hack I’ve learned is to put headphones on and blast music. If you can’t hear anything, nobody else can either.” Though his hack has yet to be scientifically proven, it certainly is a confidence booster.
All interviewed non-poopers and poopers pointed to the K-wing and I-wing bathrooms as their favorites. Although everybody agreed on that, for now, M-A remains starkly divided. Dumps are still discrete. Quivering poopers scurry from their scented stalls. A future where pooping is openly encouraged is distant.
Thank you for researching this issue. I’m not ashamed of my anti-pooper beliefs. We anti-poopers must rise against this stain on the M-A community, which is why I call on the Houses of Congress to pass the 28th amendment. The 28th amendment states “no government funds shall be given to any educational institution which does not prohibit Poopers from defecating on their land.” God bless this country. There is no freedom for olfaction genocide.