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Satire: A Tribute to M-A’s Worst Parkers

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It’s no secret that many people are not their best selves in the parking lot. The National Institute of Justice reports that around 7% of all violent crime occurs in parking facilities. This is largely because most parking lots lack security systems, which provides a logical explanation for most run-of-the-mill muggings. However, it fails to explain another category of crime: assault and battery. These crimes typically involve loss of self control rather than premeditation. The parking lot is a breeding ground for frustrating events, varying dramatically in intensity. Some make you want to swear, some make you want to commit arson, and some are just so outlandish that you have to laugh. Here’s a countdown curated by the M-A Chronicle of the most impressively poor park jobs we’ve seen.

3. The “I’m not touching youuuuu”

Those with siblings will surely recognize this line. For any only children out there, “I’m not touching you” is a game in which the agitator does their best to interrupt and otherwise disturb the other party’s zen without making physical contact with them. As you can see, this particular artist placed their wheel just on the dividing line without crossing it—while leaving their back wheels completely diagonal, of course. One has to applaud this attention to detail.

2. The Explorer

True innovation knows no bounds. Where most would see a red curb, this trailblazer saw an opportunity. This driver also demonstrated spectacular spatial awareness and finesse, managing to perfectly position their vehicle between the tree and the curb while mostly avoiding contact with each.

1. The Fire Hazard

For our grand finale, we must take to the staff lot. Compared to this masterpiece, our previous entries were child’s play. Most of our teachers have been parking since before we were even born. This advantage in experience has added creative new elements—such as physical danger—to the game. At first glance, it appears that the GMC has blocked in the white car. However, closer inspection reveals that the car is not, in fact, entirely contained. The vehicle can exit from behind the GMC by performing a 47-point turn. Like jazz: a slight imperfection adds complexity to the whole piece. However, this experimental stylistic choice is not the most ambitious decision this veteran makes: they park perfectly perpendicular to the fire lane, preventing any and all emergency vehicles from accessing campus. This bold move adds elements of hazard and flirts with towing. This parking job certainly puts the rookies in their place.

Aidan Wescott is a senior at M-A. He likes to write about community and social dynamics, as well as sports, also enjoying the occasional satirical piece. In his free time, Aidan likes to play guitar, surf, and spend as much time outdoors as possible. Aidan is a member of the Water Polo, Wrestling, and Swim teams, in addition to being a board member for the M-A Donut Club.

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