Satire: Climate change is a hoax

1 min read

When formulating one’s opinions on the environment and — dare I say it — global warming, it’s easy to rule out the phonies; they call themselves “scientists.” Currently, in New England, temperatures are dangerously low. Snow buildup is keeping children home from school and parents home from work. Honestly, it’s too bad global warming’s not real. We could really use some of it.

Even here in “sunny” California, it is so cold. I had goosebumps this morning. Sometimes, when I exhale, I can even see my breath. I haven’t been able to wear a tank top outside since November.

Frankly, I find it disrespectful of scientists to force people to adopt their insane beliefs. It’s 2018, you’d think by now we would have established that populations have diverse opinions and that differing viewpoints don’t merit verbal attacks. I have every right to my opinion, and they have the nerve to deny and disrespect it? They have the nerve to mock me for looking at a graph upside-down? Please. Climate is what we experience; it has nothing to do with numbers or measurements. Everybody knows that.

In addition, “scientists” spread their unappealing doctrine almost entirely through coded language like “temperatures are rising” and confusing headlines like “Climate Change Made Hurricane Harvey’s Rainfall Worse, Study Finds.” Who is Study? What did she find?

They almost had me with their argument that animals are suffering. I really love wildlife, I really do — I go hunting twice a month — and climate change believers are constantly bombarding us with data that indicates we’re killing polar bears, marine life…. next thing you know they’ll be saying we’re somehow sabotaging ourselves.

Finally— I was avoiding this, because of course I don’t want to antagonize anyone — but I think I have to address the source of this crazy “climate change” conspiracy theory. It’s clearly the brainchild of the Chinese and is aimed at making our manufacturing non-competitive. Wake up, people! How can cars and planes leave footprints?

Learn about the causes, effects, and solutions for climate change here and here.

Mara Cavallaro is a senior and aspiring journalist. Her struggle to understand and tell her own story has taught her the importance of sharing narratives and inspiring empathy among readers. She strives to amplify the voices of marginalized communities and is most proud of her articles Full Time: Full Mile: Why We Need a Buffer Zone Around Our Schools (on the noxious effects of pesticides in rural California communities) and “Strength in Diversity”: Where M-A Falls Short (on challenges to full inclusion at M-A).

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