Satire: How to Get a Girlfriend

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Nowadays, it is literally impossible to get a girlfriend. In a world where feminism is corrupting breedable females with “opportunity” and “choice,” men are being held to unreasonably high standards of treating females like actual human beings. Luckily for you, though, I have three easy tips to get yourself a loving mate who will tend to your every need and forget all about those silly little feminist ideals when she realizes how jaw-droppingly manly you are.

1. Be Smart

Women—even if they deny it—really just want to be told what to do. Hence, they look for an intelligent partner who can forcefully guide them to make correct decisions. To attract a fertile female, assert your intelligence. A simple way to practice this is to walk up to a woman with a Ph.D. in engineering in a coffee shop and ask her if she needs your help. Did she just try to tell you that she doesn’t need your help? Women can be emotional. Don’t worry, you’re here to save the day.  Does she seem stressed? Interrupt her and instruct her to calm down. Comfort her by talking about the expertise you’ve gained from scrolling on Reddit for the next two hours and tell her not to worry if she misses the deadline because she could always just sleep with her boss. If all else fails and she still seems uninterested, just tell her the truth—girls always appreciate honesty—that she’s stupid and that you were only interested in the first place because she’s hot. With confidence like that, no woman will refuse your advances.

2. Show Her You Care

Whatever you thought I was going to say here—bring her flowers, tell her you love her, memorize all of her favorite things—forget that, that’s a beta move. The only way to show a girl you care about her is not to care. Leave her on read for three days, ignore her when she talks to you, and tell her how much you like that one other girl who’s just so much more perfect than she is (bonus points if it’s her best friend). These strategies will ensure that your relationship is emotionally unstable and therefore keep it interesting (like in the movies). Also, comment often about what she’s eating to show your investment in her physical health (and keep her at the perfect weight). If you want to go above and beyond, come up with cute little pet names for her. Slut, hoe, and bitch are classics, but don’t feel limited in your creative expression!

3. Don’t Give Up

If a girl tells you she doesn’t want to go out with you, don’t give up hope. She’s just playing hard to get. If she tells you that she’s dating someone else, or that she really wants to just focus on herself right now, or that she’s lesbian, or that she’s going to “call the fucking police if you don’t stop breaking into her fucking house every fucking night,” she’s just really, really into you. After all, “no” always means yes.

Alpha Male is the singular most accomplished M-A Chronicle Journalist. No more must be said.

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