Satire: Join the Be-YOU-Tiful Club Today!

2 mins read

Let’s face it, the college system is broken. A good old under the table bribe won’t slide you right into college anymore. Universities are increasingly considering—and I say this with great remorse—extracurriculars in their admissions. Luckily, M-A has a variety of clubs that can serve as the cherry on top of your application! The downside: all of these clubs require work.

I attended the Book Club only to find I would be kicked out for not reading the book. I attended the Robotics Club without realizing I had to actually design a robot. I attended the Animal Service Club and was forced to do service for animals. What kind of world requires work to succeed? Are we not enough just as we are?

Hi, I’m the proud president of the Be-YOU-Tiful Club. We meet every Tuesday at lunch to celebrate each and every one of our members simply for being themselves. No matter who you are, you have value. Why spend any extra energy to prove it?

Meetings will begin with a 20-second ice breaker where we all shout out our academic accolades. Then, we will play “guess how rich my parents are,” a fun game I learned at my Princeton summer camp. For the bulk of the meeting, we’ll support a local restaurant by eating their food, so you can feel free to add every session to your community service hours.

For additional service hours, join our 24/7 Zoom meetings. Stay on mute and off camera while we “support peers with expert counseling” without any interaction or actual input. There’s no way Harvard can turn down such a dedicated volunteer!

We will also raise money for a service trip… just kidding, my parents will cover the cost for us. You may have heard of service trips that build houses for impoverished communities, or, I don’t know, fly to Puerto Rico to paint a school for three hours. But we shouldn’t have to prove our moral worth to colleges with strenuous labor to show that we aren’t just wealthy and insensitive. Instead, we’ll travel to exotic, underprivileged locations, from the poorest penthouses in London to the most decrepit mansions in Saint Tropez. There, we will tell jokes to each other in order to uplift the spirits of any lower class citizens within earshot, a low-energy yet incredibly impactful act of service. This two-week vacation will count for 24 service hours each day. Just wait until colleges read your essay about single-handedly fixing the mental health of the poor. You can stop wearing your dad’s musty hand-me-down and get your own Ivy League crew neck, entirely deserved for your excellence and dedication to the improvement of the human race.

Sign up for the Be-YOU-Tiful Club today with a simple membership fee of $3,000 (just to cover the gourmet meals) and secure the path to your future, free of all the pointless hard work that the unjust collegiate system tries to require.

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