As food prices and cost of living continue to soar, many Americans are struggling to keep their wallets and stomachs full.
Recently, Gary Pilnick, CEO of Kellogg’s, rose to internet fame after pioneering an innovative way to combat inflation. On CNBC, Pilnick tastefully suggested that poverty-stricken families should substitute their lame dinner for a delicious cereal snack. “The cereal category is a great place for consumers under pressure. We’re advertising about cereal for dinner,” Pilnick said. Cereal for dinner is an ambitious and ambivalent cause that is sure to bring happiness to the masses in no time.
I decided to pitch in on this hot and financially savvy trend, so without further ado, here are ten pocket-friendly dinner alternatives.
Kellogg’s, of Course
This classic staple will keep the whole family full and satisfied after a hard day of overtime! Kellogg’s Cereal contains all of the five important food groups such as wheat, high-fructose corn syrup, and pesticides! Don’t worry though, they’re only “probably” carcinogenic.
Half of an Apple
What’s more American than apple pie? Literally just an apple! And there is nothing more American than enjoying half of an apple on a paper plate balanced precariously on a couch armrest as you cry over your bills. Show your country pride by indulging in a sweet treat from Mother Nature herself, and make sure to save the other half for breakfast. You may be lucky enough to get a protein boost in the form of an unsettlingly large worm, which adds an appealing cinnamon flavor.
Grass From Your Neighbor’s Yard
Many think it’s near impossible to get healthy greens unless you’re Gwenyth Paltrow. After all, not everyone can afford a weekly trip to their local Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods, so might as well give up on the salads. Right? Wrong! Greens are all around you, so be like an Irish peasant during the famine and slurp down a fist full of some fresh green grass. As long as there are lawns, there is grass! Be sure to munch on only your neighbor’s grass. You can’t afford to waste all that water growing your own food.
Raw Fettuccine
Pop into your local Coffeebar, steal about 20 of their raw fettuccine coffee stirs, and scram. Sit on a stoop and nibble on them. Congratulate yourself on a job well done. Try not to cut your gums on the sharp corners, but think of all the money you have saved for water and electricity.
Paperclips
It’s important to have a good source of iron in your diet, which probably rings true for galvanized steel as well. After the government put all those silly regulations in place, it’s been a lot harder to get heavy metals like lead in a healthy diet. Get your weekly metal fix with these affordable little morsels of crunchy paperclip.
Vegan Ice Cubes
Are you interested in an alternative diet but find keto and vegetarian options to be too expensive? Kellogg’s grass-fed, pasture-raised, cruelty-free, aluminum-free, oxygenated, and vegan ice cubes are a feast for the stomach and the soul. Rest easy knowing that artisanally crafted zero-calorie ice causes no harm to animals. Feel free to enjoy with the whole family, with babies as young as three months! Unlike other vegan foods, babies can’t choke on ice, as science shows that it will melt.
Red 40
There’s a reason that almost 30% of U.S. foods contain this vivid liquid—and also a reason other (lamer) countries have banned it. It’s super fun! Exercise your right as a red-blooded American to feast on some red-colored mystery juice. It’s so common that it has to be healthy, right? No. But it’s not like that matters anyway, you microplastic-filled millennial. Your desperation is as prominent as your eye bags, we know you’ll eat anything.
Dirt, Sand, etc.
Birds eat rocks, why can’t you eat dirt? It’s filled with micronutrients and plenty of protein sources, such as worms and maybe some dead things (which you would get at Costco anyway, these ones are just fresher). Dirt is healthy and organic unless saturated with pesticides—which, if you think about it, just counts for extra flavor.
Hopes and Dreams
Who needs them anyway?
This message is sponsored by Erewhon.
