Satire: Sorry, I Caused the Blackouts

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TUESDAY, MARCH 21, 3:30 P.M. – “It has come to our attention that the cause of last week’s blackouts was not, in fact, the heavy rain or the strong winds. Anonymous sources have recently attested that the outages were the intentional misdeeds of a ruthless and reckless teenager.”

Clinging to every bar of data on my phone, I watch PG&E CEO Patricia K. Poppe speak these words. My heart starts to pound: They know. So, before they say any more, I have to come clean. For the third time, several neighborhoods around M-A are without power. And to that, I just have to say…

I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I did some things I shouldn’t have done, and everyone paid the price. On one of my daily nature walks, I stopped to pick up a beautiful quail feather. A few minutes later, I spotted a squirrel, and, in my clumsiness, dropped the feather. I watched it sail in the wind for a few seconds, lightly brush against a telephone pole, then settle on the ground.

At that point, the telephone pole burst into flames, taking half of the Bay Area’s power with it. Again, extremely reckless of me; I sincerely apologize.

I glance back at my phone, where Poppe continues, “I know many of you are upset that you have lost power, and we completely understand this. However, we implore you to not blame us, but to blame Adrian Deutscher-Bishop instead, for it is completely his fault. To display how committed we are to this point, after turning the power back on at my house, both members of our electrical team will turn their attention solely to eliminating Adrian Deutscher-Bishop. To restore the balance of power, he must be vanquished.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 22, 4:30 A.M. – I awake to a school administrator standing outside my window loudly yelling, “The power outage has continued! School is closed today! Stay home and get some rest!” before leaving to alert the next student. Beside her, several hundred PG&E workers threateningly hold what appear to be otherwise-working electrical boxes which have been intentionally pulled out of the ground. “I’m sorry! It’s all my fault!” I cry, but to no avail. I had run from my actions, but could not escape the consequences.

You see, I haven’t been entirely honest. I didn’t just cause these most recent blackouts, but all of them this season. Here are some more things I am extremely sorry for:


Adrian Deutscher-Bishop is a senior at M-A this year. He enjoys writing about everyday occurrences at M-A as well as satire. In his free time, Adrian acts, stargazes, and makes graphs.

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