Satire: US Men’s Soccer Team Obliterates England in Decisive World Cup Victory

1 min read

Last Friday, the U.S. Men’s Soccer Team defeated England in a crushing victory. Following a hearty Thanksgiving feast, our athletes were stuffed full of turkey, cranberry sauce, and patriotism which secured us the win.

According to Fifa, England is the 5th best team in the World Cup, making this defeat incredibly embarrassing. NBC News reported, “England were bad, very bad.”

Anticipating the defeat, English striker Harry Kane admitted he was planning to defect to the United States and join the NFL as a real football player. 

Kane’s confession sparked some fans to speculate what would happen if America sent all of their all-star athletes for once. Lebron James’ goaltending skills and Tom Brady’s precise passes could easily guaranteed us a spot in the finals. 

From the first few seconds on, the U.S. had the lead. The U.S. maintained 44% possession, kindly granting England an additional 12% of ball control to even out the match. The U.S. also spared English goalie Jordan Pickford’s nerves by putting only one of ten shots on target.

Some experts speculate global shortages in tea supply contributed to England’s poor performance. However, other sports analysts countered by pointing out that Qatar’s ban on alcoholic beverages likely equalized the effect of tea shortages by hurting the U.S.’s performance, as well as the performance of teams like Germany.

The recent death of England’s beloved monarch Queen Elizabeth II could also have disheartened the English players while simultaneously inspiring everyone else to do better. 

This win follows a long legacy of historical victories against the bloody British. In 1783, we defeated the British on our home turf, and again in 1815. In both 1917 and 1945, the United States traveled overseas to defeat British rival Germany, who was dominating the European League.

M-A students were impassioned by the victory and proudly supported the red, white, and blue. Senior Finn Thwaite remarked, “I have massive patriotism for our team and country. I knew we were gonna win. When we won, I went outside and waved my ‘merican flag and shot off some fireworks.”

Senior Sina Maghsoodina said, “It was insane. We did a great job keeping England’s score the same as their dental benefits—zero!”

Obvious British spy Willem Thornborrow (if that is his real name) asked, “What win? The score was zero to zero.”

Devon Schindler is a senior at M-A and in his first year of journalism. He enjoys analytical writing about local politics and social justice. He spends most of his time rowing for Norcal Crew and playing D&D on the weekend.

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