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How To Get Into College: The Interview

2 mins read

We transcribed the ideal college interview to help everyone who still has some apps to do. 

Admissions Officer: Did you have a semester with bad grades? (check one)

__ No  __Yes (Please see  University of Phoenix sign-up sheet in 10-15 years.)

Admissions Officer: How many illiterate blind children have you taught to read?

Student: 23 and a half.

A: How much money have your relatives donated, and would they stop donating if we reject you?

S: Lots, and yes.


A: What do you think you want to major in and why?

S: I would like you to admit me because of my honesty in being undecided, relative to other students who are pretending to be interested in something specific.


A:How do you feel about life right now?

S: I feel great, I just cured cancer and I might even get into college this year.


A: Did you do any community service?

S: I went to this thing on a Saturday afternoon once with my mom. We cooked for some people for like a half hour and when I heard I couldn’t eat any of it I left. But I learned a lot from that 30 minutes of service. #Blessed


A: What kind of  roommate would you be?

S: I smell terrible, but other than that I’d be great.


A:What things do you do in your free time?

S: I know you don’t want me to say TV, so I won’t. So for your sake, I go hiking every weekend and am constantly inspired by nature.


A: Why My University? Please show that you have researched our website for 15 minutes or more, and be sure to beg sufficiently.

S: FWD: FWD:FWD: FWD: I love that everyone is super academically inclined and happy and stuff.


A: How did you spend your last two summers?

S: I don’t remember, but I’m sure I spent it efficiently. And, to be honest, I didn’t think you would be asking me this when I planned my summers.


A: How would you spend a gap year?

S: I would create my own non-profit based in the Sudan, where I would live. During the day I would teach children about math and science while also teaching valuable life lessons. I would then spend my nights learning astrophysics and studying medieval literature.


A:What matters to you?

S: School. And racism.


A: Is there anything else you would like us to know as we consider your application?

S: 1. I had swine flu for a week during my second semester sophomore year, so it’s not my fault I got a C in English.

  1. Extra essay (abbreviated): I love saving puppies from the clutches of crocodiles. However, because I realized I was taking away meals from crocodiles, I started the Feed The Crocodiles Food That’s Not Puppies organization. We have been able to feed thousands of crocodiles as well as save hundreds of thousands of puppies, which I personally foster back to health.

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