Satire: A Message from the Menlo-Atherton Administration

1 min read

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Greetings M-A Students,

Though we emailed your parents three weeks ago, we want to keep you up-to-date with the latest bad thing happening on our campus. Recently, several students or non-students, either on campus or not, have been doing something bad. 

As a result, we have no choice but to put our foot down and say, “This thing that happened was not good.” Remember, the safety and security of our community is a contender for our top priority.

Below are several ways to prevent bad things from happening. Read them. Consider them. Think about them while you lie awake at night or cry in the shower. Here are the number-one ways to stop bad things:

1. Be good. It’s simple: if you’re good, then you’re not being bad. Being good is one of the goodest things you can do! Create a good environment by reaching out and supporting each other with goodness.

1. Don’t be bad. If you think you might be doing or about to do something bad, just don’t. Doing bad things can make your life bad, and the last thing we want for you is to have a bad life. If you are unsure whether what you are doing is bad, ask a trusted adult. This is exactly what your photography teacher got their credential for! 

If you see someone do a bad thing, don’t stay quiet. Put simply, if you see something, say something. The best thing to do is to put a firm hand on their shoulder, look them in the eye, and just tell them, “No, please.” If that fails, you can contact an Administrative Vice Principal or any other adult on campus, so that they can repeat these same steps until the bad thing stops. For a really bad thing, we will utilize our intimate relationship with the Atherton Police Department and work together to end the bad thing.

Having so many bad things occur is not normal, and we know that the thought of all these bad things happening can cause each of us some anxiety, which is normal. If you want to not be anxious anymore, you can request an appointment with one of our two social-emotional counselors serving all 2400 students.

Thank you for your time. If you want to talk more about bad things, don’t. They have no place on our campus. Or you could just wait for our next email, five months from now, four months after the next really bad thing happens.


The Menlo-Atherton Administration

Adrian Deutscher-Bishop is a senior at M-A this year. He enjoys writing about everyday occurrences at M-A as well as satire. In his free time, Adrian acts, stargazes, and makes graphs.

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