Satire: How to Make Women Feel Welcome at the Gym

1 min read

There’s nothing quite as refreshing as the smell of sweat, sanitizer, and seeing men make it their life’s work to look like an anime character while women’s jaws hit the floor. It is a truth universally acknowledged that women go to the gym solely for male validation. Their fragile self-esteem finds a safe haven among the horde of men waiting to show their gratitude. 

The “gym bro” culture is dying. We need to revive it for a thriving gym environment. We should be supporting the women in our community on their exercise journey, and maybe find ourselves a gym girlfriend on the way!

If you identify as male, here are some tips to help make women feel more comfortable:

  1. Make sure to over-explain when she is using a machine wrong; working out is a new activity for her. She will likely be flustered by her attraction to you, so she may need lots of explanation and extra help.
  2. Interrupt her workouts to strike up some casual chit-chat, especially to comment on her appearance. If you think a woman looks good, don’t wait for her to finish her set, and take noise-canceling headphones as a sign she wants to be approached. She’s just shy!
  3. If she brushes you off, just keep pushing. Follow her around—she just likes the chase.
  4. Don’t worry about coming on too strong. Women go to the gym knowing that this type of behavior exists there, so they bring it upon themselves! You can be sure that, deep down, it’s what they want.
  5. You might receive some negative responses. Don’t be discouraged: one out of four women are on their period, and you know how irritable they get.
  6. The gym is your space. Women are attracted to arrogance, so make sure she knows that you own the place. 
  7. Nurture your ego: if you feel bigheaded, you’re on the right track. Keep sucking at the teet of confidence.

Let me reiterate one more time: women know why they are really at the gym, even if they haven’t accepted it yet. Love yourself to no end and make sure everyone knows it. You will be rewarded for your overconfidence, even if it takes a few slaps to the face before you get there. (Pro tip: check for pepper spray before you give her unsolicited spotting.) Keep that “gym bro” attitude and encourage your buddies to do the same. Grind on, boys!

Emma Buck is a senior at M-A this year. This is her first year writing for journalism and she hopes to learn more about relevant issues to M-A. Emma is passionate about music and in her free time enjoys running and working at Salt & Straw.

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