Satire: The Perfect College Essay

2 mins read

When I was two, my parents mysteriously disappeared into the night and left me in the dark and storming woods. Lighting struck and set a nearby tree on fire. I had to act fast. I ran through the dry, flammable grass as fast as my toddler legs could carry me. I found a pond, scooped the water into my tiny hands, and ran back, splashing the water onto the flaming tree. I went back and forth for hours until I finally put out the fire, saving the nearby colony of endangered tiger cubs.

Fourteen years later, I find myself at a homeless shelter, discovering the cure for cancer on a broken mattress frame, with nothing but a stick and four different flavors of gummy bears. When I finally figure it out, after minutes of researching, I holler with joy. I ran through the shelter of sleeping people—all of whom I have personally donated all of my possessions to—to show my godmother the cure for cancer. When I got there, she picked up the vial holding the life-saving concoction, threw it on the ground, stomped on it, and then punched me in the face. Instead of lashing out, like the average high schooler would, I kindly told my godmother I was sorry for getting my face in the way of her fist, and that I will still love her no matter what because every human being is deserving of my grace. This experience humbled me and taught me that, even though I am the best, I can still learn from others.

A year later, while I was single-handedly building mansions with no tools in the middle of the desert for children without legs, I found the secret to world peace written on a scroll. It was in an ancient, forgotten language but, since I know every language, I was able to decipher it. Unfortunately, after I read it all, it exploded, and the trauma from the explosion caused me to forget what was on it. It also took off both of my arms. In the hospital, I invented new fully functional arms with popsicle sticks and latex gloves. With these new arms, I grasped new opportunities. 

While writing this, I looked out the window and saw a hoard of kittens trapped in a burning building. I jumped out the third-story window of my half-bedroom apartment (that I pay for myself) and ran over to the burning building. I opened my arms wide and they all jumped. I did a triple backflip to catch them all. I gently placed the kittens on the grass and ran into the blazing house to put out the fire. The flames were intimidated by my perfect athletic teenage form and quickly fled. This experience taught me that I could do anything if I put my mind to it.

In school, I’m in 40 clubs and president of 38 of them. All these clubs focus on creating welcoming spaces, helping those in need, and raising awareness for various issues, such as lizard trafficking, sock theft, and equal rights for people with red hair. I am also the captain of every varsity team in my school (except for golf). I am the top student at my school, not because I’m naturally gifted and talented and better than everyone, but because I work hard. Other seventeen-year-olds spend every waking hour staring at garbage on their phones while I am out in the world, making a difference and bettering myself.I believe that Mountain Hill Valley Canyon University is the perfect college for me to grow my skills so I can save the world even more and even better. Its values of kindness and curiosity are perfectly aligned with my own values. I can’t wait to explore the campus and make new connections that will last a lifetime. My parents also donated a lot of money.

Sarah is a senior at M-A and this is her first year in journalism. She wants to write about policies at M-A as well as satires. She likes to draw and play ultimate frisbee.

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