Satire: The Summer Flu Stunts Students Illness

2 mins read

It is a well-known fact that when the nights get colder and the winter storm starts creeping up on the California coast, cases of the flu, common cold, and other airborne illnesses begin to rise. Every year, during the months of November and December it seems like everyone is coughing and sniffling. However, despite their poor state, students continue to come to class in order to finish their semester off strong. 

Though we divert much of our attention to the various illnesses present in these winter months, another seasonal virus appears to be leaving students bedridden. Appropriately named, the “Summer Flu,” it has been spreading rampantly across the M-A campus, causing mass infections of students daily—specifically during the warmer months of May and June. This new phenomenon is still quite unknown to doctors and medical professionals, however, there seems to be an undoubtedly strong correlation between sunny days and the number of infections. Additionally, seniors are the most susceptible to catching the most severe symptoms of this illness.  

One anonymous senior shared, “I was struck with this summer flu just around May. I was totally fine, but when we had a sunny and warm day, I fell violently ill with a high fever. I had to spend a day at the beach to cool off.” Thankfully, the senior was able to make a full recovery the next day, just in time for his AP Calculus final exam. 

Because of the rising cases of this mystery illness, the attendance office has been flooded with calls of absences.

Office attendance manager Goal Able shared, “I have been getting so many calls from students who need the day off to recover. Others manage to stick it out for most of the day but cave during lunchtime’s rise in temperature, and go home to avoid worsening their illness.” 

In fact, flu cases peaked on the Friday of Prom, leaving many students sneezing and sniffling in the comfort of their rooms. 

Able continued, “It was so strange, everyone came to the first half of their classes but fell ill right before lunch. I was worried that because so many people were getting sick right before Prom, they wouldn’t be able to attend. Luckily, their symptoms didn’t start showing until halfway through the day and cleared before the big night.” 

Students infected with this summer illness have taken the advice of medical professionals by spending more time sleeping and resting their bodies—whether that be in front of the fifth consecutive episode of The Bachelor or on the coast of Half Moon Bay—students are trying their best to reset back to health in order to avoid missing more school. 

While there is no official cure for this sickness, there is speculation that the school is mailing cures to infected students at home. 

Mother of M-A senior Laiz Lee, shares, “We tried everything to help him get over this illness, but it was to no avail. He was missing so much school.” She continued, “However, we received a letter in the mail from the attendance office from Mrs. Truan-C, and all of a sudden, his sickness was cured! It’s a miracle.” 

With the sun beaming and the weather warming up, be sure to maintain healthy habits to avoid catching the dreaded Summer Flu.

Tiffany is a senior at M-A. She enjoys writing about local events and culture on campus. She is also a member of M-A’s Dance Team and dances competitively.

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