Satire: Senioritis? Get Well Soon

2 mins read

Illustration by Ashley Trail

It’s no question that this past year has been incredibly difficult for all of us…well, almost all of us. The Class of 2021 actually lucked out with this whole pandemic, because we’ve gotten to spend our entire senior year in isolation. I would tell you exactly how many hours of free time that translates into, but I’m too lazy to do the math—just know that being a senior has never been easier. One would think that the Class of 2021 would be grateful for such a long vacation, but I’ve been noticing the disturbing spread of an illness dubbed “senioritis.” Those affected by senioritis often develop Zoomphobia, lazy habits, and even suffer from poor vision (yes, that’s why we used such a large font for The Mark). Our heroic teachers are working tirelessly to combat this illness. They have strategically increased the workload, hoping to reignite a love of learning within their sick students.  

Even as a senior myself, I find it incredibly difficult to catch this strain of senioritis. And I’ve tried, believe me—when my friends decide to ditch homework and have fun, I tag along. Five minutes into the “fun,” I get the strangest urge to refresh Canvas and see if my teachers have posted anything new for me to complete…because to me, that is fun. The urgency grows so unbearable that I have to rush home and open my copy of Invisible Man, because man, there’s just something liberating about assigned reading. Usually I finish the week’s reading in a day (two days if I’m feeling a bit lazy myself). 

You might wonder: am I ever so overwhelmingly lonely and bored that I go outside and touch the grass in hopes of preserving my emotional stability? The answer is no. Absolutely not. Only a few times last week. Canvas notifications are like friends, but way more reliable: they never forget to send you “good morning” and “good night” messages, and they provide all the company I’ll ever need. Oftentimes I’ll open Instagram and see that some of my peers have committed to college. People say it’s fun to open an acceptance letter and have your screen filled with confetti, but I don’t really understand the hype—Canvas has that same feature when you turn in your assignments. 

Those with senioritis should continue to follow community safety guidelines even as they return to school; I’m concerned that this laziness will spread even more rapidly if we place seniors too close to each other. Responsible students like myself have already gotten vaccinated and are perfectly content with staying home to do schoolwork all day. Make sure to stay six feet apart from every teenager you see (sometimes it helps to show them a book—they’ll run away like vampires from a stake). Senioritis is a dangerous disease. If you catch it, there’s no going back.

Emily Xi is a senior and first-year journalist with the Chronicle. She is interested in writing about M-A, technology, and pop culture.

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