Satire: The Truth About the Cell Phone Epidemic

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A new disease is spreading throughout high schools across the nation. Digital Cognitive Atrophy (DCA), otherwise known as “screenager-ism,” is causing stressful outbreaks of academic regression for teens everywhere.

Strom Ann was a star student until her grades began to slip rapidly during her junior year. Medical tests revealed that her stress hormones have been rapidly increasing since the beginning of the academic year, showing the physical and emotional dangers of digital devices.

Ann shamefully revealed, “I use my phone to communicate with friends and check the time when I should be studying more, working with my nonprofit, and practicing toward my D1 pickleball recruitment process.”

She continued, “I have an unbearable amount of stress. At first, I thought it was due to my intense workload, extracurriculars, and sleep deprivation, but this random doctor my mom found at a strip mall thankfully helped me realize it’s actually because of my phone.”

Health and wellness teacher Cara Lotte said, “I’ve noticed straight-A students losing their streak once they get to junior year, a pattern seen nationwide. Junior year is notorious for being difficult because of the growing dependence teenagers have on their mobile devices. Given the importance of this school year, it is time we take action against such threats.”

One parent of a junior suffering from DCA noted, “I have seen how detrimental phones are to my child’s productivity. After returning home from school, she plops on the couch and immediately grabs her phone. She says she needs a five-minute break, but why not reach for the homework or SAT studying? She doesn’t need to be texting, it’s useless. My daughter is an addict!”

Clum Zee, a sufferer of DCA, shared, “One morning I was rushing to class so I would not be late. I had an assignment worth 80% of my grade that determined whether or not my college scholarship would be revoked. I ended up tripping on my way to class and broke both my arms. According to the EMT’s that took me to the hospital, my phone has been subconsciously infiltrating my cognition and deteriorated my ability to walk. That’s what makes this illness so dangerous.”

According to Dr. Hay Terr, “In many ways, phones are the root of all medical conditions in teens.”

However, he explained that a new form of treatment has been in development to treat digital cognitive atrophy: digital isolation. Terr said, “Digital isolation is a lifestyle. Students are removed from school and all extracurricular activities are left at home with no devices or assignments to be completed.” Data reviewed by the National Institute of Adolescent Stress revealed, “Stress levels in teens who complete treatment lowers dramatically.” So it is proven that phones cause stress.

If you know someone who is struggling with digital cognitive atrophy, don’t wait. Take out your phone and text 1-800-123-4567. Your text may save a life.

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